TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely from location. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have A further put where American men can wear robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide Everybody a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he should really quit working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the task, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a characteristic remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the making's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Options


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A Trump Tower Damascus silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "exactly where's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting consideration from international buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where my PTSD may have change-down company."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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